I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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