So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't deserve a penis
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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