I think my vagina is haunted
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
