woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
