ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
