im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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