And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
