my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
