I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
