At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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