I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
