dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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