It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
