I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
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Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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