I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
