I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Text me some of your sweat
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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