I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Randomize
