No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
