Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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