The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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