i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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