last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
