I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
