i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
