woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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