Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Text me some of your sweat
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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