I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
