dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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