Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
