You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
