I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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