My cat gives me a boner
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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