is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
