I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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