I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
