She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
