Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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