My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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