Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
