i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Can I color on your dick again?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
