If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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