the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
