Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
