I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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