I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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