it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
