Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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