based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
