The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
