I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
