i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
foreskin is a definite game changer
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
