I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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