I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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