Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I need moral support for this bender
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
