shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
