walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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