Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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